Try for more?

Losing a baby in November sparked us and reminded us that we want more kids and we shouldn't waste time.  Feeling like God was telling us our family wasn't complete we jumped in with both feet. In December of 2011 we started to "try" again.  This means more and more drugs for me that exhaust me, change all my hormones and test my love for wanting more biological kids.  We went three months with intense drugs and three IUI's.  No baby.  Took a break for two months for sanity reasons and jumped in again.  We started the drugs and did a couple IUI's and did some "natural" cycles and nothing until November 2012.  We were pregnant!  We couldn't believe a year after we got pregnant  we were successful again.  This time I was on the right meds to hold onto that baby!!  So I tried to stand on my head for as long as possible!!  Getting blood drawn again every two days to watch my numbers.  Then it happened.  I received the phone call I never wanted again.  My numbers were dropping.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  Proverbs 16:9

So I sit there on my bed after getting off the phone. Both kids beside me fighting over something and I'm numb, completely numb.  I call Will (I still don't remember dialing the phone) and tell him the baby isn't healthy and is going to meet Jesus.  He doesn't know what to say over the phone and says he will be home as soon as he can.  Well folks he works in heart surgery.  Not the type of job where you can come and go as you please.  So he gets home at 6 that evening and I haven't moved much except to feed the kids and care for them.  He sits down beside me and just wraps his arms around me.  He can't "fix" it and that what I think is the hardest for him.  He wants to fix things when I'm hurt and he can't do a single thing for me in these moments.  I tell him to give me 24 hours and I'll be fine.  This is a friday night and on saturday I held my baby for the first and last time and gave him back to Jesus to care for.  By this time Wills grand parents are in Heaven and my Grandpa Stoller have their arms full up there.  We are now at 5 babies running around up there!

As I said this is November and it's the saturday before Thanksgiving. I'm hosting my family in
Washington since Will is on call for work and needs to be close to the hospital.  I'm hoping that hosting will help me keep my mind off of my baby.  On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving I'm sitting at McDonalds with my sister in law Steph and my mother in law Ruth talking about how to make and apple pie.  I get a phone call from my social worker telling me there is a 6 mo little boy at the OSF ER who has a big head and needs to be in protective custody.  She asked if we were interested.  Ummmmm.... YES!!!  She said go ahead and go to the ER and they will be waiting of you.  So I leave my kids with Ruth and go home to get an infant car seat.  I was ecstatic!  I called Willy and he was shocked but pumped to have been given this opportunity to help a child.  I walk into the ER and ask for the DCFS workers with a baby.  The guide me into a room with a screaming baby who is terrified sitting in an umbrella stroller.  I asked the two detectives why is he crying and they said "Maybe he's hungry?!"  I asked where is diaper bag was and bottles.  They pulled out cereal and formula from the bag and an empty bottle.  The dective asks me if I know how to make a bottle cause he doesn't.  Oh dear!  I started making a bottle and asked when he had eaten last.  They both
look at each other and said probably before we picked him up at 8am.  It was 3pm folks!  I hurried a little more with the bottle and got him out of the stroller to feed him.  He was terrified but happy to eat.  We finished the paper work and I left with a very very scared little boy.  They told me he was in the ER because his head with abnormally large and they wanted to do a CT scan on him.  Well they didn't get permission before I got there so I told him I would bring him back sometime for one but right now he needs to go home with me.

When we got home I gave him a quick bath so I could properly love on him since I didn't know where he was coming from.  He cried for an hour and then that was it.  He was very use to love and affection so he responded to us very well.  He was just very confused why my kids couldn't get enough of him.  My amazing mom came over that evening to help me get ready for Thanksgiving since my life changed a bit in the last 4 hours.  We got everything ready and went to bed.  The next day after church my anxiety was a bit out of control.  I couldn't focus on anything, Jimmy (foster baby) wasn't sleeping, I had lost a baby 5 days before and 15 people were showing up in a few hours for food.  My mom gave something to help with my nerves but since I hadn't ever taken that before I didn't know how much to take.  Well half way through dinner my head fell backwards to rest on the top of my chair and I fell asleep!  ASLEEP folks!!  When I woke up startled, the whole family was laughing at me!  I guess that would have been funny to see :)  So I was excused to go upstairs for a nap and woke up renewed and ready for a better evening! 

I feel as though God gave us Jimmy to help my heart heal.  He needed a temporary mommy as much as my heart needed a baby!  Sure he wasn't the baby that I had carried and lost but he was a baby that someone else had carried and loss.  He was just as precious as all the others that I had given back to Jesus.  I was getting him for a short time just like Jesus had given me my babies for a short time.  

Jimmy kept me busy and gave me a glimpse into the world of being a mommy of three little kids under 4.  God taught me to let go of things I just couldn't do with three little kids.  My job was to stay home and love on a baby that needed me.  He taught my kids how share their time with me and that we can't play legos until Jimmy is napping cause he likes to eat them! :)