Nothing bothered me more than people saying, "Why do you want more? You have a boy and a girl, its the perfect family!" Isn't a perfect family any family created by God? Would our family have not been perfect if we would have had two boys or two girls instead? Yes, I agree, it's great to be able to experience what it's like to raise a boy and a girl! But far from perfect if it isn't what God wanted. That's what we were striving for Gods perfection not ours.
We prayed for weeks and came to the decision that we were going to stop trying to get pregnant. We were telling a couple of our close friends about our decision and what we felt like God was telling us. I told them that I had come across a saying and it really spoke to me.
My very wise friend pulled me over as the evening was ending and wanted to make sure I knew what was I doing. She said, "Just make sure it's God putting the period down, not you and Will." Wow, that struck me hard! Was it us? Were we deciding that because I was sick of all the medicines and hormones? Was I wanting to throw in the towel because I didn't want to loose another baby? Were we being selfish?!
We went into the doctors office in early July to discuss our options. They had a new idea and they wanted to give it a try on us. They told us to go home and let them know what we decided. We went home feeling torn on our decision. Was the doctor and our friend telling us what God couldn't get us to hear? Had we shut God out and went with our own decision? We decided to go ahead and try again with their new "plan" So again the medicines were upped and we used a cap again. Two weeks later I was pregnant and my numbers were high but not high enough. So they monitored me, told me to take it easy getting blood drawn every other day. We were supposed to leave on vacation the following weeks so after the last blood draw they called Will, my mom and I into the office. My mom goes with me to ALL my appointments because she understands things I don't and remembers to ask the questions I don't. :)
They took us into a small room that I had only been in once while I was pregnant with Presley for a non stress test. I thought it was strange but figured they were busy and didn't want any exam rooms ready. My Nurse Practitioner came in and leaned up against the wall just starring at me. That's when I saw it in her eyes... The baby wasn't going to make it. She told Will and my mom as I buried my face into my hands and cried. How could this keep happening? Why didn't God want me to have another baby?
Then my ob came in. He is a very logical man and he told me not to give up hope because there was a chance the baby could survive. He said to go on vacation and keep getting my blood drawn while there. He said his worry was that I would be so anxious on vacation that I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy it while thinking about this. He prescribed me some zanex to help me relax while there and not to focus too much on the pregnancy. (HELLO!! I could possibly loose my baby but I'll try and relax!) So while on vacation I got my blood drawn twice. The first time the numbers were higher but not doubling every other day like they should. Second time they had gone down to confirm I was loosing the baby. I cried most of vacation and the way home.
When I got home I still hadn't lost the baby so they scheduled an appointment for me to come get a sonogram. The baby was still in there but wasn't alive so I had to have a DNC and LAP immediately to have it removed. I was so sad I wouldn't be able to hold my baby after the loss but knew it had to happen.
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