The end of September is when I called Family Core to update or home study with our Bentley boy in it. October started with visits, physicals and paperwork galore to make sure we and our home were ready for another undertaking of a child. In November we got a call that a local birth mom wanted to view our family profile for the possibility of adoption. WHAT?!?! Bentley is still eating out of the toilet?! How could I care for a newborn with a toilet paper eater on my hands?!?!
Since our home study wasn't even done I hadn't worked on our profile book at all! I had one week to get it together. So I got on Shutterfly and made a book basically word for word from the one we had made for Bentley but added him in there as well (I guess they want to know about ALL of your kids (insert rolling eyes emoji). I had it printed, overnighted and our case worker had it! Ahhh sigh of relief, it's in God's hands now. A week or so later we heard she had chosen a couple who didn't have kids yet. We had great peace knowing this was God and he wanted us to be willing and able to do what was necessary to get moving. One month later we heard the mom had given birth and decided to parent the baby. I was crushed for the other couple but knew this was God holding us back from the pain that would have come with it. He is so good to us!
New year rolls around with the emotional memories of our sweet little "N" that had come to live with us just one year prior. We signed up with Christian Adoption Consultants again to help us with getting into several agencies and being presented more often than we would if going at the journey alone. We were told to expect the wait to be longer this time since we already have three kids. Not a problem... Bentley isn't 2 yet but we wanted to get the ball rolling. Right away we started to receive situations to look at. One stood out to us right away. The birth mother was due on February 5th. We told the agency we would like to present to the mom. One week later we still hadn't heard from the agency and we were getting other situations but you can not present to more than one birth mom at a time. I emailed the agency to ask if they had heard if she choose. They emailed me back she hadn't decided but she may not decide until she gives birth and we should present to other situations if we can.
The same week we got a situation from a lawyer that seemed perfect for us. The birth parents were around Will and I's age and we had a lot of similarities. We then got another situation from an agency that would have been a good fit as well but both of the moms were going to be shown profiles the same day so we had to choose which birth mom we would like to be shown to. We had 12 hours to decide and we felt a peace about both of them! How do we know which one God wants us to present to?!?! It was so hard to know. We ultimately decided to go with the birth mom who was due first since she would have to decide faster and if we didn't get chosen by her maybe we could sneak our book into the other moms pile of profiles to look at! Long story short we ended up being chosen by birth mom #1!! Wow, so surreal to be MATCHED AGAIN and so soon! God is so good to us! We talked to the birth mom on the phone that night and she was so sweet and polite! She told us she had been to the doctor and she was 5cm and felt like she would be delivering that weekend! She told us she would like us to be come down to Florida right away in case she went in to labor. Will and I flew down to Florida Friday morning February 5th so we would be there. We told the birth parents we would like to meet them before the delivery room and just make a connection. We had lunch together Saturday afternoon and spent a lot of time laughing and comparing all of our similarities! We felt a real peace about them and they knew we would love their baby like our own! The birth mom was having a lot of pressure and pain so she asked if we would go to the ER with her? OF COURSE WE WILL! We were sent right up to labor and delivery when we got there and they would only allow one person in the room while they monitored and checked her. She choose me to go in with her. I felt so special she would choose me for that when she could have easily and understandably choose her boyfriend of many years. The nurses hooked her up to the monitor and as soon as I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time I burst into tears! I couldn't help it. I didn't know my baby existed 5 days ago and all of a sudden there was her heart beating as fast as can be! Such a precious sound to a mom regardless if you had to fight to create a family or not. We ended up leaving the hospital that night with no progress but a promise to keep in touch until Monday morning when she was going to call her doctor. Sunday came and went and Monday morning I checked in with her to see how she was feeling and to see if she had called her doctor. She was waiting for a call back from them so we went to meet with our lawyer and sign an abundance of papers. Will had to fly back for work so he left Monday evening and I stayed to see if I could get into the doctor with her the next day. The doctor ended up calling back Tuesday afternoon with an appointment for the next Tuesday the 16th. I talked to our lawyer and he said to go home see my kids and plan on coming back for the doctor appointment the next week. The birth mom totally understood that and was excited to go to the doctor with me the following week. I flew home Wednesday morning and started planning the next few weeks of me being gone. The birthmom and I kept texting while I was home and she had said that it was okay that I buy gifts for her and the birth father. Thursday evening I booked my return flight Monday afternoon and we talked about going to dinner that evening when I got in. Friday I got busy with my household duties from the week before and forgot to text her until 9:30 that evening, making it 10:30pm Florida time. She didn't text me back but I figured it was late and she may be sleeping. Saturday I texted her again to see how she was feeling and I didn't get a response. Sunday morning I decided I should call her to see if everything was ok. She didn't answer so I left a voicemail. I had a bad headache so I decided to not go to church. A couple hours passed and things weren't adding up. I decided I would email the lawyer to see if he had heard from her. I told him I was sorry I was emailing him on a Sunday but I couldn't get ahold of our birth mom and I felt like something wasn't right. He called me 10 minutes later telling me he had just received an email from her telling him her phone was broke and she hadn't been able to get ahold of me. She had delivered the baby Saturday morning the 14th and she decided to parent. She was very sorry but she wasn't strong enough to go through with the adoption. She assured him it had nothing to do with Will or I, but she just couldn't do it.
I feel like my heart stopped when he told me. We had such a great peace about this. We felt God was in the details. We had spent money from our adoption savings in flights, food, car rental and child care. In the end God said no. He still gave us that peace. He was still in the details. He knew what we would spend finacially on this test.
The kids were disappointed but fortunately can brush things like this off fairly easily since they have dealt with foster siblings in the past. Presley has still asked in the past few months when we are going to take Bentley back to Pennsylvania to be with his mommy! I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed trying to wrap my mind around it all. I turned on my music and searched through my adoption/infertility notes to soak in all God has taught me through and some things popped out to me.
-God doesn't call us to be "comfortable" he calls us to radically chase after Him in this world.
-"For I know the plans I have for YOU" (Jeremiah 29:11)
- In the middle of my little mess, I forgot how big I'm blessed.
- A God ordained dream will always be beyond your ability and beyond your resources.
- When the bottom falls out, lock your gaze on the cross. You'll find all the answers to all your questions at the cross.
We've known from the very beginning that God knows our child. We've never wavered on that. I just needed to release the timing that I originally expected so that I could see that every piece of this story has been woven by God. Every piece. Even the pieces that confused me. He is a good, good father, and I have no doubt that we will continue to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13)
Monday morning (Feb 15th) came and I sent an email to our consultant and the lawyer we were working with for the adoption. I told them we were very sad about the failed adoption but we were ready to see other situations if they had any available for us. They both stated, that they were very surprised we were ready so soon! That made me stop and think "was I different than most?" "were we able to see this different that other failed adoption couples?" The answer I've heard from others is YES! I tried to explain to our lawyer how we were able to keep moving. Will and I are heartbroken over this but we feel like we were just called to love the baby and her parents for awhile. She's with the people she's supposed to be with. It's hard and messy but nothing we can't deal with. None of us have cancer or are sick. I personally hold everything in my life except my husband and children with a loose grip. After loosing 7 babies I know that nothing is a guarantee in this life. We are healing and ready to see how God can use us next in his journey for us. Thank you for your prayers, we are feeling them!
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