Fostering

On December 31st, 2014 I was shopping with two of my sister in laws in Peoria and received a phone call that changed our lives forever! A sweet little girl that we knew needed respite care (temporary foster care) for one week. I told them she was welcome at our house so we went to pick her up at the foster agency an hour later. She was 2 1/2 years old and very scared. She luckily knew me so she happily came home with me! Well that week quickly came and went. She fit into our routine pretty quickly since she was a good age between Presley and Bentley. We had to do some car seat adjusting and buy a new one but overall things weren't too bad. She had a giggle that could make anyone melt! She was the youngest of four kids in her family so that was probably the hardest transition for her. She came from another foster home where she was the only little kid in the home so when she wanted or needed something she didn't need to wait long. Well here you just need to get in line when mommy has a 7 month old. So her demanding personally quickly got worse before it got better because she was no longer the queen of the home. I'm sure most of you moms out there can handle things like this better than me but when she came she wasn't potty trained. I couldn't handle her potty diapers. They literally made me ill. So we did the whole potty training and she did awesome and only had a few accidents, well ones she didn't mean to. When she was upset at us for something or didn't want to wear what I had out for her she would simply pee in the outfit. Starring into her deep brown eyes that exhibited no remorse at all was really hard. Especially when you are already deep in mommy guilt for not spending enough time with your other children. You really start to question why God would put this on your plate right now? And I started to wonder "Am I really cut out for this?!" Perhaps my heart is big, but my hands are way too small. Well after much soul searching, listening to ministers in church and pastors on the radio I found out many things I needed to hear at that time.

*God didn't tell us it was going to be easy!
*This is not how God wanted it to be, we live in a fallen world and this is the consequence of sin!!
*He is still good.
*He wants us to go through the fire and affliction so we look good when we wear him.
*You love as well as you are willing to be inconvenienced.
*It is not you against this child. It is you and this child against this child's history. It is not a personal attach on you.

The last one I literally had to quote to myself daily!! "N" was extremely intelligent and bright for her age. She said EVERYTHING that came across her little mind and spoke extremely well for her age. We learned a lot those few weeks ;). She had so much baggage that she came with. Things she would talk about that I can't imagine going through as an adult let alone a very little girl. Scars I can't imagine being on any child and yet this little girl I held everyday has them all over her tiny body. She was so sweet and kind when she wanted to be. When she didn't want to be she lied, smarted off, peed her pants plus countless other things.  It was hard to tell if she was just being two or if she was suffering in a way she couldn't put into words. That's where we struggled the most. When my kids are hurt, lonely, tired or hungry I know how to fix them. When she was any of those she needed fed, snuggled and held for however long it took to meet her needs. She had her daddy Willy wrapped around her finger but he was very stern with her when she needed it. Which is probably why she loved him so much. Very consistent love is what she could always find with him. Someone to snuggle her immediately after time out where mommy Holly needed a few more minutes to calm down sometimes.

If you never had the privilege to meet our sweet little lady then let me tell you a few things about her physically. She weighed a couple more pounds than our 4 year old Presley but a couple inches shorter and 1 1/2 years younger. She had super soft rich brown skin and curly kinky hair. When she came I had no idea what to do with her hair! I had never experienced African American hair before but it's amazing!! Once I learned how to do it (after 100's of YouTube videos) I couldn't wait to style it every week! She sat so well during the hours it took to do it. At least once a week she would put my arm up next to hers and say "I am chocolate and you are vanilla!" Seriously she was 2 1/2! I checked her birthday many times while we had her. She had to grow up way to quick.

In the beginning of March she started a somewhat new phase of getting jealous of the attention Bentley got from me and would start to hurt him. He would be standing and cruising around furniture and she would come up to him and push his forehead back so he would fall and land flat on his back. She would smash him between our storm door and the big front door. I would watch her do these things plus many other things and still she would come out of time out claiming she had no idea what I was talking about. Those were the days I would pray outside her bedroom door on the floor asking for grace for yet another day with her.      *It is not you against this child. It is you and this child against this child's history. It is not a personal attach on you. Please don't get me wrong... We loved her so very very much! She brought so much joy to our lives!!  She and Presley played so well somedays I wouldn't see them for hours. Then of course like little kids do they would fight and need some time apart.

In the beginning of April she became much rougher and harder on Bentley. I couldn't even walk into another room if they were together alone. We started praying about what needed to be done. Ultimately it came down to her having to move to another home for Bentley's safety. I knew I couldn't make that kind of decision so I had to put the weight of that decision on Will. I asked God to give Willy the wisdom to know what was right for our family. He gave Will a peace about his decision that can only come from God. We didn't want her to leave but we believed that we had to protect the children God had given us first. Trace didn't want this. Presley didn't want this. Will and I didn't want this but we knew it had to be done. She was going to a good home. Her aunt and uncle had come out of the woodwork and wanted her. They had two older children which would be great for her so she could get the attention and healing she needed. When I showed her the picture of her aunt, uncle and cousins the week before she left she said "Hey they are brown like me!!" I was so happy for her to be able to go into a family that finally looked like her (she needed that more than I realized). The day she left Trace and Presley were finally ok with it but Will and I still cried in the driveway as she rode away. It was so hard for Will to have to make that decision for our family. To watch us all suffer the following weeks took a toll on him for sure. He knew I would never make the decision though, I have a desire that was built in me to be a mother to anyone or anything that needs one. It's a blessing and a curse for sure. We have not been able to see her since she left at the end of April but we hear she is thriving in her new home. The kids see other little brown girls out and about and will say, "Mom, that looks like "N"!" They always ask when we can see her again and I have no idea if we ever will. We love and miss her so much though!