Friday, April 22, 2016


It's been 2 months since we joined the club of "failed adoptions". I don't like this club and neither do the other members who are in it. Its very lonely and the questions you get from others are very strange. God continues to use this time for me to learn how to respond to insensitive people and how to talk to people about adoption. The beginning of March I realized I need a break from people. I shut myself off socially. I stopped inviting other moms over for play dates, I don't leave my house much and I quit trying to communicate with people unless they made the effort. I have really missed being with people but I felt like I was pushing my life onto everyone. Honestly, only one person asked why they didn't seem to hear much from me anymore.  I needed this time to refocus and remember why God had started us on this journey.

With our 7 miscarriages I knew that when God had taken the babies they would always be safe. They would never know hunger, thirst or want. Most importantly they had never felt unloved in this world. These all mean so much to me! To know that the first thing my 7 babies saw was Jesus' face does more for my healing than anything ever could! I think that's why I struggle with our failed adoption in February. Although I know she is with good parents I can't guarantee I will see her again in heaven. I can't guarantee her belly is full and she is constantly being loved on. I can only guarantee these things if she is with me or Jesus. Her wonderful mommy has sent me several pictures of her and she is as precious and I knew she would be! Tiny and delicate features just like her mommy. I wish I could show her to the world as mine but God said "not this time Holly."  I've been told by others that I'm so strong for being able go through this and still want to adopt. I don't feel strong. The dull ache in my chest is less and less each day though. I have guilt. I feel like this is somewhat my fault. I started this. I brought pain to Willy, my kids and myself. I was the one who suggested we adopt again. Then there was anger. I was so mad at myself for being sad. How could I sit there and cry when I have so much to be thankful for? Luckily, my dads wise words came to mind from after miscarriages to remind me I can mourn the loss regardless of how blessed I am to have healthy children.

In regards to moving on with our lives we certainly have. We were contacted about a toddler that possibly needed to be adopted and after 4 weeks of uncertainty we think that door is officially closed. We were contacted about a one day old baby born in Florida that needed adopted and after showing our profile the birth mom choose the other family. We presented to a birth mom in March and just heard today and she has decided to parent her baby. We have presented to several other birth parents but have not been chosen. God is definitely working with me on patience. I'm constantly reminded by others that I have a very very busy little boy who can't be alone for even a minute without getting into some sort of mischief. Well that is so true, we love our Bentley boy even though he is non stop.

On to happier things...

There has been an adoption in our family in the past few months but not with Will and I's family... My parents had a guy from Gridley church move into their house in November of last year and since then he has become one of us! His name is Gary and he is a bundle of joy! He is 25 years old and adjusting to the family quite nicely. He came potty trained which is a relief for my parents. He refuses to be swaddled at night but we are all learning what he likes. He loves all of our kids which is so fun! An overall great addition to the family and finally gives my dad another man in the home to talk to! My dad has passed down this desire for me to change peoples names if I think they have one that doesn't fit them correctly. So naturally the name Gary seems a bit old for my taste on such a young guy so I refer to him as Nick. He has adapted well to the name and didn't seem to notice once he realized I was the "special" sister!
                                            This is my new brother Nick Schifferer-Stoller.

Trace is 7 and so happy to be almost done with 1st grade! He says he doesn't like school but his teacher says otherwise and does very well. He adores his little brother Bentley and playing outside with his friends. He is in Lacrosse and Baseball this spring and summer which keeps us very busy and on the move. If he isn't active he seems to get restless and in trouble so Lacrosse at the moment is keeping him in check. He has a deep love for his mommy but can't seem to get enough of dad lately. They have a great relationship and if he goes more than a couple days without seeing him because of work he gets a serious attitude and needs some time with him. I was warned that mommas boys tend to cling to their daddies about this age and then will come back to me about 14 or 15 so I guess I'll let it slide.

PresleyBeth is 5 and one silly little lady. She is not excited about starting Kindergarten this fall whatsoever! She is in tumbling one night a week which was too big of a commitment for her until lately when she got her costume for the recital and thinks its the best thing in the world! Pres loves her brothers but really wants a sister. She is learning she may not ever get that wish so has been praying for a baby lately instead of just a baby sister. She is so girly I'm not quite sure what to do with her sometimes! I have no idea what I'm doing with her. Ive questioned many times that maybe Audrey (Candice's daughter) and Presley were switched in the hospital. (BTW... Candice and I had our girls on the same day and got to experience our daughters together for the first time in the hospital) Then Presley came out of preschool Wednesday and totally redeemed herself as my biological daughter! There she was with a sticker on her forehead! My kind of thing! She went to her preschool screening like this and yes she got the special looks I get when I do things like this.    
                                      Be different. It makes people wonder who ties your shoes!

Bentley will be 2 next month! Seems so crazy and yet I feel like it's right on track. A lot has happened in his little life. We are still in great relationship with his birth parents and email them quite often. He looks a lot like one of his older brothers which is so fun to see! Bentley is very busy and always looking for the next thing to destroy or get into. He loves loves loves music of any type. He could sit on my phone all day and listen to music. Its a true joy to watch him love something so much! He is incredibly smart and so fun to watch him discover new things. He talks non stop and says my name at least 2789 times a day. No joke. He loves his grandmas and grandpas very much and so excited when we drive down their street. We don't know what we would do without him! He is a very sweet boy who loves his sister and brother very much! This is a Bentley shenanigan... I ran upstairs to switch a load of laundry and left him listening to music on the iPad. He gets a chair, climbs up on the kitchen counter, gets in the candy cupboard and starts yelling, "CANDY PLEASE?!" at the top of his lungs! At least he's polite right?!?! 

Thank you to everyone who has kept us in your prayers! We are feeling them and they are helping so much! We still continue to feel God isn't done with our family so we press on towards another adoption or whatever else he has in store. Please pray for contentment until he calls us to another situation where we know he wants us. We love you all so much!!

1 comment:

  1. Love this...I read it through twice! :) We love you guys and keep praying for the baby who will call you mama!