Update

Sorry for the long pause on the blog.  Our life has changed quite a bit since we added a third child into the mix. It's been an amazingly positive change though and we wouldn't change it for the world!!

I would like to add a couple things in about the birth mom and her family.  Her boyfriend and her have three older boys that are parenting together. They are 8, 5 and 3.  They are so sweet and adorable.  They named their little brother Cameron while their mom was still pregnant with him. Once they found out what we were naming him they called him "baby Cameron Bentley".  I love how much they loved him even though they never got the privilege to meet him.  The birth mom didn't want them to come up to the hospital in fear they would make her sway from her decision.  We knew it was a God thing she had picked us but then we found out some similarities that made it even more apparent God was in control.  First off when the birth mom and dad were naming their youngest son 3 years ago they couldn't decide between Bentley or Drayton!!  They choose Drayton and were thrilled we choose Bentley!  Second, her sisters name was Candy and my sister as you may know is Candice. Third, when I miscarried my last baby in August is the exact same time when Ashley was conceiving our dearest Bentley.  It's so crazy cool how God works!! I love how he has his hands in this adoption.

When A signed the consent papers she did everything correct.  Two weeks after papers were signed ICPC came back and said they wanted a more detailed consent to be signed by the birth mom.  Our lawyer was very against dragging her back through the mud by making her sign again but they had to.  A had took some time off to go stay with some family because she said she was in a very hard spot emotionally. Well they were never able to get ahold of her so we had to find "guardians" for Bentley. This was in case Will and I decided to back out of the adoption someone would be held responsible for him besides her lawyer.  It couldn't be family so we turned to someone who would love him as much as we did. (Even though we knew we would never back out of the adoption) Brian and Alison Sutter are Bentley's guardians until the adoption is finalized. They exception without hesitation just as we knew they would.  They had to get papers notarized and talk to my lawyer several times on the phone but never once acted like it was a big deal.  What can I say? They are some really great friends! Although I think Alison is trying to sabotage the adoption so she gets my delicious baby! ;)

A told me when we were in the hospital that her dad had given her money months ago to get an abortion.  She kept saying how lucky she was that she found us and she hadn't gotten one.  As I stare at Bentley while I'm up with him in the middle of the night I can't help to think how we are the lucky ones. We are the blessed parents who get to give him the life God created for him.  I'm so thankful she didn't choose to abort my precious precious baby.  We are forever grateful to the most selfless woman we will ever know.  Bentley's birth mom is on my mind almost daily and will forever be in our prayers.

Thank you for all our love and support through all of this!!

Our sweet Bentley

I was able to stay in the hospital in my own room with Bentley during the day. A had him with her at night and I had him for most of the days. Will, A and I have a great relationship! We laughed and cried together. The last 4 days were the hardest days of our life. In Pennsylvania you wait for 30 days before the birth mother signs the consent. In Illinois you wait 72 hours. Praising Jesus the Penn lawyer decided to go with the Illinois laws instead of Pennsylvania's!! A signed the consent for us to leave the hospital with Bentley. We still had to wait for her to sign papers for consent for adoption until Friday. We were peaceful she would follow through since she kept telling us how lucky she was to have found us. There was still that restlessness. This morning I received the next phone call I had been longing for since January. The birth father and birth mom both signed their consent for us to adopt Bentley.

I called Willy to let him know he officially had another son. It's been hard on him to not be able to be here. He screamed "WOOHOO!!" in the phone! My mom and I praised God then we did a happy dance! Well I did my happy dance on one foot. :)

My two biological babies were not full term and weighed 6lbs 11oz and 7lbs 1oz. So Bentley weighing 8lbs 4oz through me for a loop! He doesn't fit into hardly anything I brought for him! He's a big boy and LOVES to eat! This forced my mom and I to shop for him for things to wear this summer. :)

Update

Will and I had a great weekend together!!  My mom flew in on Sunday afternoon to join us since Willy was going back to Illinois on Tuesday. 

A was induced on Monday morning around 7:30 so Will and I met her in the lobby of the hospital before and we went up with her to get her signed in. Everything went real smooth except she didn't progress as fast as she thought she might. They only would allow 2 people in the room with her so Will graciously sat in the waiting room all day.  She had brought her sister for support.   At 1pm she got her epidural so Will, her sister and I went down to get some lunch. When we got back to the room she was anxious for the delivery but still wasn't progressing very fast.  The Dr came in to break her water and a couple hours after that she was ready!! She starting pushing around 6pm and at 6:08 he was here!! She did marvelous!  Beautiful little boy with long curly hair. He is so precious, I can't wait to show you all pictures!!  A and the birth father sign papers Friday morning so once I know he is officially ours I will post pictures for you all to see. Until then I'm just enjoying him all to myself waiting for Friday to finally get here!!

Philadelphia

We got an email from our adoption agency last week on May 7th telling us "A" (birth mom) had filled out her birth plan which made us giddy it was so close. When reading through all the paper work and emails she mentioned she was being induced on Friday the 16th.  The agency wanted to make sure I wasn't too tired from flying to meet with her on the 15th, so I flew out on the 14th and Willy joined me on the 15th.
On the plane I tripped over myself and fell over in the aisle. Then when getting up to help an older lady with her bags I completely banged my head on the over head luggage carrier and it sat me back down on my seat. Needless to say I've never been known to be able to walk well. I just believe the floor needs a hug ever now and then. When I arrived in Philadelphia on Wednesday afternoon everything was going great and I got on the rental bus to take me to my car. When stepping off the wrong bus to get onto the correct bus I rolled my right ankle and it popped three separate times as I came down on it. I almost passed out in the middle of the road. I clinged to my luggage and the whole world spun around me! I was in immediate pain and couldn't focus on anything except not falling over and passing out! I slowing limped over to the CORRECT bus while the extremely nice bus driver (who didn't like me moments ago because he hauled me around on the wrong bus for 15 min) took my luggage for me to the right bus for me.
When getting to the correct bus to go to the right car rental company I limped into the building and up to the counter.  The gentleman at the counter sympathetically asked if I wanted some ice for my ankle. I told him I would just get some when I get to my hotel room. He said "oh good cause I don't think we have any ice!" Well thanks for the offer I guess...  I told him why I was in the area to adopt our son and he just started smiling when I told him. I had originally reserved a compact car for the week out here and then got to thinking that might not work well with an infant in the back seat and with Willy's long legs. So I asked him if a full size man would fit in a compact car comfortably.  Well the answer was no, so I asked for the next size up knowing that when you put a big guy like my dad or Willy in a tiny car day after day they begin to hate the car. You never put someone who is paying for your trip (Willy) in uncomfortable positions daily. :) We went out to the parking lot where the cars were and he asked if I wanted to upgrade to a mini van for $11 extra a day. I politely declined knowing this trip was expensive enough. Then he asked if I wanted a small SUV for an extra $11 a day, and I said ummm no! So knowing I was adopting he offered me the mini van for free as a birthday present to the baby!! God has his hands in this in so many ways!  I love it!!!
So not being able to escape the dream of having a mini van (insert sarcasm) I drove to the hotel with a ginormous ankle and to rest.
Thursday the 15th Willy got here at noon and took one look at my ankle and we had to go the ER immediately. Our insurance doesn't cover Prompt Cares while we are on vacation so we only had that option. It went pretty quick except everyone wants to know why we are in the area. So we tell them we are adopting and the Dr came in and just sat and talked to us about it. People love adoption stories!! I have a super bad sprain. They gave my crutches, a wrap and a brace. Proving God has a sense of humor as I stumble around even more on crutches. :)
We were supposed to have lunch with A on Thursday but she couldn't find her phone to call us :( She called me Friday morning and we talked for the first time for 70 min and it was wonderful!! I got off the phone and Will asked if I had found my twin? :) We do seem to have a lot in common! She invited us to her Dr appointment that morning. We met her and her sister in the lobby of her Dr and went in. The Dr came in and acted annoyed there were two extra people in there with her. After explaining who we were and that we were adopting her baby his whole demeanor changed and he became very sweet. He agreed to have her induced Monday morning because we were in town. When leaving the office he stopped us and asked for our phone number. I wrote it down for his secretary not knowing exactly why. He asked who was going to be on the birth certificate and after telling him both of us he seemed to become even sweeter. He then told us he would contact the hospital and try to get us our own private room to stay in while the baby was in the hospital. When getting back to our hotel that afternoon the Dr himself called me and told me the hospital would rent out a room next to A's room like a hotel during our stay so we can stay with the baby. That way we will for sure be there when the pediatrician comes around. I still can't believe the Dr himself called. There's God again proving his hand in this!
So Will and I are enjoying some much needed time away together as we anxiously await Monday morning... Please pray for A at this time.  She says she is really excited to give him a better life then what she can provide, but I know this will be harder than she thinks.  We can feel your prayers all the way out here and can't say thank you enough!! We love you all!!

Will and Holly

PAPER PREGNANT!!

That's right, you read the title correctly!!  We are paper pregnant! Meaning... a birth mom choose us to parent her baby!  I was sitting enjoying a play date friday afternoon regularly checking my emails like crazy as usual and received the email we have been waiting on.  The title was: YEAH YOU ARE MATCHED!!  At that point I started not breathing well as I told Angie Schrock "Ummmmmm I think we are matched with a birth mom?!?!" I read the email several times to be sure that the young woman who had been looking at our profile choose us!!  Angie started laughing at me as I talked to Willy on the phone and couldn't breathe correctly.  I anxiously called my parents and sisters to tell them the news.  Then I called my sweet mother in law who was in Atlanta with my sister in law Stephanie would just moved then.  I couldn't wait to tell her she was getting a 28th grandchild!


This wonderful young woman is a sweetheart as far as I can tell in her emails.  She seems dedicated to the adoption which we were worried about.  The fun part is is that she is due May 15th!!  Soooo looks like we will be traveling to get our SON very very soon!! Prayers would be appreciated so things go smoothly with the state transfer.  Thank you for your support!!  We love you all very much!!

Mercies in Disguise

Nothing too new here.  We have been presented to several birth moms but have not been chosen yet.  Will and I view the birth moms health profiles first to see if we want them to look at us first.  This is so hard and confusing for us.  So many, many decisions for us to make in a matter of hours, sometimes while Willy is at work.

I literally check my email about every 5 minutes. I get an email about every other day from a different agency with a new birth mom situation, asking if we want her to view our profile.  If you are interested in adopting domestically there is a baby out there for you.  Red, Yellow, Black or White and every color in between.

When I get the email from the agency that the birth mom has chosen another family I go back to one of my favorite songs by Laura Story called Blessings.  It helps me to remember that even though I think any baby in the world "could" be mine, God doesn't think the same thing.  There are specific reasons that God didn't want that baby to be ours.  Whether that being the baby would get sick in a few years and die or give us a very hard time throughout his or her life.  Only God knows why we don't get a certain baby and frankly that's the best way.  I would have taken the first one I received an email on, if it was up to me. :) (This is when Will just shakes his head while smiling at me).

In answer to others questions, Yes we were asked which sex we preferred.  Will and I did have a sex in mind that we "thought" would fit our family the best. But.... since we didn't get to choose what Trace and Presley were we decided to once again let God decide what sex he thought would work for our family the best.

These are the lyrics for the song I mentioned before.  It gives me great comfort when I feel like God hasn't given me what he tells me he wants me to have! It just wasn't his timing...

                                                              "Blessings"

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

                                                    Are your mercies in disguise

What if it took a thousand sleepless nights over the past 7 years for me to realize God was near and wanted adoption for us? I have realized though the rain, the storms and the hardest nights are his mercies in disguise. I have realized that healing comes through tears.  Oh I have cried the tears! Just this past weekend I was at Communion having a great conversation with some people then one of them asked how I was really doing? That was the end of that.  I cried and couldn't stop for a while. Weird.  It's the people who ask me how I am that really know my heart that seem to bring my tears up. The ones whom when I catch their eye at church while I'm holding a baby I start tearing up.  You know who you are and I thank God for you daily for knowing the inner-workings of my heart! Thank you!

I will keep you updated on the other birth moms that are viewing our file currently. 

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HOME STUDY COMPLETED!!

You read that correct ladies and gents!!  Our home study has been completed by the state in warp speed thanks to my faithful pray warriors like yourselves!!

What does that mean you may ask?  Well I get to lug a pile of profiles and applications to the post office and mail them out to our agencies so that birth moms can see us!  In other words....
BRING ME THE BABIES!!!

I keep asking Jimmy's (former foster baby from last year) mom Toni if she knows anyone who doesn't want their baby.  Why don't we know more people who don't want their babies?!?!?  She keeps laughing at me and telling me I'll be the first to know if she's hears of anyone but here I sit.......

So keep those prayers coming please :) You guys are good at this! Also pray for those birth momma's! Can't imagine what they are going through! Thanks!

For when we are weak he is strong!

It's been awhile since an update and in reality not much has changed.  We are still waiting on the state to decide if we are decent people to parent an unwanted baby. So we wait....

So many things have happened in this last month.  Many I still can't wrap my mind around so I continue to not approach the subject.

First - "Why are you adopting? You are a one income family and can't afford it?" "Your family will just give you the money cause they are generous!"  Well, you're correct about all of those things, we are a one income family, we can't afford it and our family is very generous.  The wonderful thing about all of these mean comments and questions. I'm learning not to care. That sounds mean and not the way I was raised to respond to people but as an adult I have to know that my husband and I have prayed and asked God about everything.  God knows I don't work full time and he knows we don't have $30k in our savings account. He still lead us here. He gave us seven babies and took them back to bring us to this point. He will get us through this. The money will come from somewhere. There are banks with interest free loans for adoption. :)

Second - I went to Hearts At Home in Normal and Jill Savage spoke in the morning session. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in November of last year.  She spoke about how she believes all of us have "cancer" in our lives.  Whether that be mental illness, infertility, divorce etc.  I thought that was so amazing she said that! I couldn't agree more.  Yes I agree cancer is horrible horrible horrible and devastating! What about the above examples aren't?  Mental illness- you suffer alone, take meds, hide from friends and family and much more. Infertility- you suffer alone, take countless meds and hormones, watch your friends get pregnant and hide from friends and family. Divorce- you suffer alone, take depression meds, hide from embarrassment from friends and family.

What I learned with her talk was grief comes in waves with cancer just like in infertility.  One day I'm doing great! Then I see three pregnancies announcements on Facebook and I'm sad for awhile.  You don't have to love your challanges but you can love what God is doing inside of you.  How is God using my infertility for his purposes?

Third - I'm still struggling profoundly with infertility.  I know I'm coming back to this again but this blog has given me such release I must write about it again.  One of my favorite radio pastors spoke to me through one of his sermons a few weeks ago. He said, "You must be hurt deeply to be used profoundly!" I've been hurt very deeply by infertility.  Not because I have lost 7 babies. I've been hurt by the comments, rude remarks, glances, weight gain due to medicines and hormones, shots and the lists continues. I suffered from an eating disorder for seven years before I was married.  I do understand that I don't have the body that disease gave me.  There are days that I wake up and I crave the emptiness feeling in my stomach I used to have long ago.  I can't go back to where I have the body I had before the hormones, medicines and shots. That body wasn't healthy and when I get close to it it scares me. So I hope through all of this I can be used somewhere and through something.

This is God's story for the world and we're just playing the parts. Only God can turn a Mess into a Message, a Trial into a Triumph, a Test into a Testimony and a Victim into a Victory!

Profile completed!!

We got an email this morning telling us that our profile was completed and ready to be printed!! (the profile is about our family that birth moms can look at when deciding on who to place their baby with) It went extremely fast because of two great friends that recommend we go through Christian Adoption Consultants who help us with all paperwork and questions! Thanks Amber and Mindy!

Now we wait for our home study to be completed then we can send out our profiles to the adoption consultants.  So while we wait for that I need to get the profiles printed.  These little books are bound together and are adorable but each agency wants at least 3-5 profile books! This I don't understand. They don't show our profile to more than one birth mother at a time so what are they doing with them? I told myself that they probably take them to pregnancy resource centers and put them out as magazines for people to look through. :) Wouldn't that be perfect?

So with 8 agencies that they suggested we send our applications through 4 of them are free to apply. 2  are $100 to apply. 1 is $300 to apply and 1 is $500 to apply. Wowzers, that's just for applying.  I hope the agency that costs $500 to apply is the one that our birth mother is through just so we feel like we didn't throw that money away.  Yes, I know if we are blessed with a baby that God has chosen for us then the money won't ever matter! :) "If money is the problem, than it's not a problem!" quote from my wonderful dad who has let God control him and his money his entire life and never suffered because of it.  Isn't he darling?!?!

I will keep you updated on anything else that happens.  Thank you for all the encouraging texts, emails, phone calls and conversations telling us that you are excited and praying for us!  I have found so much comfort in revealing our story.  I feel as though a cloud has been lifted from me.  Women from all stages of life have come to me telling me they can relate in different ways. Want a relief to know others can relate to our secret world we don't speak of. A world where we hurt but smile through it so others wouldn't dare know it.  Well I'm hear to talk about it!  So lets chat!

Beginning 2014

I think this saying pretty much summarizes all my feelings for infertility.  How could I want to give up on something that I know I have done before?  I know I can physically do it its just getting there that's the problem.  Then staying that way.  So we made the decision.  Maybe God will bless us with another biological child in a few years but at this time we need to stop trying.  The medicines, the hormones, the injections have to come to an end.  I was sad but at the same time so relieved!

Will and I still feel like God isn't quite finished with our family yet.  We went back to our feelings of the possible adoption in December.  We both felt really good about how God was directing us towards that.  Even though that didn't work out we knew we should pursue another adoption.

The next day I got on Facebook to write a post on a group page I'm a part of.  The group is an amazing collection of local young moms who have either fostered or adopted.  I posted where we were in our journey and asked if anyone had an adoption agency they liked.  OH MY!!  God opened the gates wide open!!  Within a few hours I had talked with many moms who had adopted and were very encouraging.  They also gave me contact information for an agency they loved.  Even the consultants name they recommended.  Within 30 minutes of that I was talking to the consultant over private message on Facebook and she had sent me all the information we need to get started.

My parents always talked to us girls growing up about Gideon's fleece and how he used it to decifer God's will through it. They would put our their "fleece" for things and show us girls how God spoke to them through it. We have done that throughout our marriage and this time wouldn't be any different.  My fleece for this agency and consultant would be that Will was completely open and willing to go ahead with the adoption process.  He has always been somewhat hesitant with foster kids and the thought of adoption along with the cost.  (Which is a great thing because if it wasn't for him I would literally take in any child I ever saw!!)  When I approached him that evening with everything the consultant had told me he was completely open to it and excited to pursue it!  (That's a God thing folks! He's usually a "lets think and pray about this more" kind of guy!)  The next day I spent 45 minutes on the phone with the agency asking questions.  We knew we wanted a domestic baby since we feel the need is so great here in the states.  Dawn (consultant's name) and her husband have been adoption consultants for years and have adopted 9 times domestically.

The next week I called someone to do our home study for us since you need a separate one for foster care and adoption.  Weird!  She was super excited and we made an appointment over the phone for the following week.  That's where we are currently.  I'm working on getting 80-100 photos together for Dawns husband to make our profile book for us for birth moms to look through.  So prayers would be greatly appreciated for this season of our life.  We know this is where God wants us and are excited to where this could lead.

Still 2013...

My post op appointment was in September.  They still didn't know why I couldn't hold onto those babies so I scheduled a consultation with an infertility specialist.  He is a very popular man so I couldn't get into see him until December.  My nurse practitioner wanted me to see him to see if I was stressing my ovaries too much with all the drugs and hormones I had been taking.

She asked if we wanted to try one last time before we saw Dr Jarrett in December.  Not knowing what to do or at this point or having any feelings towards anything anymore we did.  Late October we started the hormones and medicines again.  This time we were going to do an IUI and a cap.  So two separate appointments that I dreaded.  The sonographer told me my lining was perfect and my ovaries looked great!  When we did the cap and IUI the doctor said everything went very smoothly and seemed easier this time.  Well two weeks later we weren't pregnant. So knowing that what was what God had wanted we waited for our appointment with Dr Jarrett in Springfield.

At the end of November I got a phone call from a pastor of a local jail that he worked with.  He told me he was given my name by someone who knew we wanted a baby.  He continued to tell me that an inmate was pregnant and due at the end of December.  She wanted to give her baby up for adoption.  The pastor was nervous due to possible drug use by the mother before she was arrested.  He told us to pray about it and let him know what we wanted to do.  So we prayed about it for about a week and felt God pulling us towards this situation.  The day before we went to meet with her the pastor called me and told me he heard that she had found another couple to adopt her baby.  He said he didn't necessarily believe the person who told him that but said we didn't have to go meet with her if we didn't want to.  Will and I wanted to be sure she had found someone and if she did that was fine but we had to be sure!  So we met her and she said she had might choose another couple that couldn't have children.  I encouraged her to go with them if that's what she wanted!  I told her I brought some pictures of our family to show her if she wanted to see them.  She said she would like to see them so I showed her and told her to go with what she felt was right for her baby.  She had such a sad story that broke my heart!  We left on good terms and confirmed that whatever she decided would be great for her baby!!  

A week later I received a call that she had chosen the other couple for her baby.  Unbelievably I was so excited for the other couple!  I can't imagine not being able to have children and I was so excited for them to have a child.

The day after we found out she had chosen the other couple was my appointment with Dr Jarrett. Going into that appointment I wanted to know what exactly to do.  I had lost 7 babies due to miscarriage and I didn't want to mess around. I needed peace to be able to end all of this and I wanted him to say, "STOP, this is crazy, you are hurting your body!".  Instead he said, "Ok lets double everything, do a round of intra lipids, start lovanox, take extra folic acid and start you on a new kind of progesterone." I cried several times on the way home.  Why?  He thought I had a great chance of getting pregnant and staying that way! 

Emotionally I'm done. Mentally I'm drained.

On December 30th I received a phone call from Dr Jarrett's office telling me that all the medicines he prescribed me wouldn't be covered by insurance since he was out of network.  I asked if my doctor could administrate them and they said yes if he wanted to take the risk.  I called my doctors office and they said they would have to wait for the doctor to come back from vacation before they could answer that.  They had never had a patient on this kind drugs before since they don't specialize in it.  Hearing that and knowing this might due me in Will and I made us hesitate.

Could I do this again with all the doubled medicines?  Will was worried if I lost an 8th baby I might not recover mentally.  I had to agree with him on that.  Each miscarriage changed me and the 8th may change me too much.  

2013 continued

After the loss in June we prayed and prayed for direction.  We couldn't figure out what God was trying to teach us through this?  We both felt strongly that God wasn't finished with our family.  Were we to keep trying to get pregnant?  Were we supposed to adopt?  Were we to stay in foster care?

Nothing bothered me more than people saying, "Why do you want more? You have a boy and a girl, its the perfect family!"  Isn't a perfect family any family created by God?  Would our family have not been perfect if we would have had two boys or two girls instead?  Yes, I agree, it's great to be able to experience what it's like to raise a boy and a girl!  But far from perfect if it isn't what God wanted.  That's what we were striving for Gods perfection not ours.

We prayed for weeks and came to the decision that we were going to stop trying to get pregnant. We were telling a couple of our close friends about our decision and what we felt like God was telling  us.  I told them that I had come across a saying and it really spoke to me.

My very wise friend pulled me over as the evening was ending and wanted to make sure I knew what was I doing.  She said, "Just make sure it's God putting the period down, not you and Will." Wow, that struck me hard!  Was it us?  Were we deciding that because I was sick of all the medicines and hormones?  Was I wanting to throw in the towel because I didn't want to loose another baby?  Were we being selfish?!

We went into the doctors office in early July to discuss our options.  They had a new idea and they wanted to give it a try on us.  They told us to go home and let them know what we decided.  We went home feeling torn on our decision.  Was the doctor and our friend telling us what God couldn't get us to hear?  Had we shut God out and went with our own decision?  We decided to go ahead and try again with their new "plan"  So again the medicines were upped and we used a cap again.  Two weeks later I was pregnant and my numbers were high but not high enough.  So they monitored me, told me to take it easy getting blood drawn every other day.  We were supposed to leave on vacation the following weeks so after the last blood draw they called Will, my mom and I into the office.  My mom goes with me to ALL my appointments because she understands things I don't and remembers to ask the questions I don't. :)

They took us into a small room that I had only been in once while I was pregnant with Presley for a non stress test.  I thought it was strange but figured they were busy and didn't want any exam rooms ready.  My Nurse Practitioner came in and leaned up against the wall just starring at me.  That's when I saw it in her eyes... The baby wasn't going to make it.  She told Will and my mom as I buried my face into my hands and cried.  How could this keep happening?  Why didn't God want me to have another baby?

Then my ob came in.  He is a very logical man and he told me not to give up hope because there was a chance the baby could survive. He said to go on vacation and keep getting my blood drawn while there.  He said his worry was that I would be so anxious on vacation that I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy it while thinking about this.  He prescribed me some zanex to help me relax while there and not to focus too much on the pregnancy.  (HELLO!! I could possibly loose my baby but I'll try and relax!)  So while on vacation I got my blood drawn twice.  The first time the numbers were higher but not doubling every other day like they should.  Second time they had gone down to confirm I was loosing the baby.  I cried most of vacation and the way home.

When I got home I still hadn't lost the baby so they scheduled an appointment for me to come get a sonogram.   The baby was still in there but wasn't alive so I had to have a DNC and LAP immediately  to have it removed.  I was so sad I wouldn't be able to hold my baby after the loss but knew it had to happen.

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2013 happenings

In December of 2012 I was told I need to take a break on the medicines to give my body a rest.  So we tried again with strong medicines in February 2013 but we tried naturally (no IUI).  We didn't get pregnant so they decided to do a Laporoscopy to see if there was anything blocking one of my tubes.

During all of this glorious medicines and doctor appointments Jimmy (foster baby) had had 6 ear infections and one toe infection. He was on antibiotics for about 4 months straight.  He cried a lot due to all of the pain he was in so he got tubes in his ears in the middle of March.

Surgery was scheduled for me at the end of March.  They flushed out my tubes and clean up some endometriosis.  All in all they didn't see anything that would prevent me from getting pregnant or keep me from staying pregnant.  My wonderful mom kept all three kids for 4 days straight since I wasn't supposed to be up and about for a few days.  I had to take a month off trying to get pregnant again because of the surgery.

At my Post Op appointment in April my OB/GYN decided that he wanted to try a cervical cap on me.  (Google what that is if you aren't sure so I don't have to describe it to you. :)) In addition to the cap they wanted to double some of my doses of medicines to help with getting pregnant.  Have I mentioned what these medicines do to me?  They make me irritable, moody and very very hungry all the time.  So doubling them was just a dream come true!! (insert Stoller sarcasm!)

I left the office that day in tears knowing what would have to happen...  Jimmy would have to transfer foster homes.  He was just too big for me to carry around and care for on all these medicines.  If I was to actually get pregnant and stay that way I wouldn't be able to lift him either.  I'm on a 15 lb weight limit for my first trimester since I'm high risk.  My sweet "little" Jimmy was around 22 lbs of pure love.  He was 11 months so he wasn't walking yet and I knew I wouldn't be able to do it physically or mentally.

Isn't he just about the most precious thing ever?  In early May he went to a very loving family that had been fostering for over 15 years. I was glad he went to a good place but it still makes me so sad to think about! My kids talk about Jimmy almost every day still.  It's been 8 months since he left and when we draw family pictures they always add Jimmy!  I'm still in communication with his parents so we get lots of pictures of him.  He will be going home to them real soon!  We would have kept him forever if it was up to us!  We love our Jimmy John so very much!!

The middle of May rolls around they used the "cap" on me and it stays on for 12 hours then I can take it off at home.  Two weeks later I was pregnant!!  WHAT?!?!  Couldn't believe this "cap" thing had worked!!  PLUS, I had found out that our close friends were also pregnant and we were due 1 day apart!  How fun is that?

In early June my sweet Grandma Nussbaum went to meet Jesus.  My doctor actually called me during the visitation to tell me my numbers were high and climbing! Blood work every other day and then my numbers dropped.  I received the phone call from my doctor two days after we had told our friends we were due together.

I remember sitting at my kitchen table after I got off the phone.  Tears rolling down my face I pictured my Grandma Nussbaum receiving our sweet tiny baby wrapped in a little blanket.  Oh how she loved babies!  She was probably just getting used to Heaven and Jesus came up with a rocking chair and a baby.  He might have sweetly looked at my little grandma and said, "Will and Holly sent you someone to hold for them!"  Knowing my grandma she would have quickly sat down in the rocking chair, eagerly taken our baby, started rocking and started singing her favorite hymns.

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Try for more?

Losing a baby in November sparked us and reminded us that we want more kids and we shouldn't waste time.  Feeling like God was telling us our family wasn't complete we jumped in with both feet. In December of 2011 we started to "try" again.  This means more and more drugs for me that exhaust me, change all my hormones and test my love for wanting more biological kids.  We went three months with intense drugs and three IUI's.  No baby.  Took a break for two months for sanity reasons and jumped in again.  We started the drugs and did a couple IUI's and did some "natural" cycles and nothing until November 2012.  We were pregnant!  We couldn't believe a year after we got pregnant  we were successful again.  This time I was on the right meds to hold onto that baby!!  So I tried to stand on my head for as long as possible!!  Getting blood drawn again every two days to watch my numbers.  Then it happened.  I received the phone call I never wanted again.  My numbers were dropping.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  Proverbs 16:9

So I sit there on my bed after getting off the phone. Both kids beside me fighting over something and I'm numb, completely numb.  I call Will (I still don't remember dialing the phone) and tell him the baby isn't healthy and is going to meet Jesus.  He doesn't know what to say over the phone and says he will be home as soon as he can.  Well folks he works in heart surgery.  Not the type of job where you can come and go as you please.  So he gets home at 6 that evening and I haven't moved much except to feed the kids and care for them.  He sits down beside me and just wraps his arms around me.  He can't "fix" it and that what I think is the hardest for him.  He wants to fix things when I'm hurt and he can't do a single thing for me in these moments.  I tell him to give me 24 hours and I'll be fine.  This is a friday night and on saturday I held my baby for the first and last time and gave him back to Jesus to care for.  By this time Wills grand parents are in Heaven and my Grandpa Stoller have their arms full up there.  We are now at 5 babies running around up there!

As I said this is November and it's the saturday before Thanksgiving. I'm hosting my family in
Washington since Will is on call for work and needs to be close to the hospital.  I'm hoping that hosting will help me keep my mind off of my baby.  On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving I'm sitting at McDonalds with my sister in law Steph and my mother in law Ruth talking about how to make and apple pie.  I get a phone call from my social worker telling me there is a 6 mo little boy at the OSF ER who has a big head and needs to be in protective custody.  She asked if we were interested.  Ummmmm.... YES!!!  She said go ahead and go to the ER and they will be waiting of you.  So I leave my kids with Ruth and go home to get an infant car seat.  I was ecstatic!  I called Willy and he was shocked but pumped to have been given this opportunity to help a child.  I walk into the ER and ask for the DCFS workers with a baby.  The guide me into a room with a screaming baby who is terrified sitting in an umbrella stroller.  I asked the two detectives why is he crying and they said "Maybe he's hungry?!"  I asked where is diaper bag was and bottles.  They pulled out cereal and formula from the bag and an empty bottle.  The dective asks me if I know how to make a bottle cause he doesn't.  Oh dear!  I started making a bottle and asked when he had eaten last.  They both
look at each other and said probably before we picked him up at 8am.  It was 3pm folks!  I hurried a little more with the bottle and got him out of the stroller to feed him.  He was terrified but happy to eat.  We finished the paper work and I left with a very very scared little boy.  They told me he was in the ER because his head with abnormally large and they wanted to do a CT scan on him.  Well they didn't get permission before I got there so I told him I would bring him back sometime for one but right now he needs to go home with me.

When we got home I gave him a quick bath so I could properly love on him since I didn't know where he was coming from.  He cried for an hour and then that was it.  He was very use to love and affection so he responded to us very well.  He was just very confused why my kids couldn't get enough of him.  My amazing mom came over that evening to help me get ready for Thanksgiving since my life changed a bit in the last 4 hours.  We got everything ready and went to bed.  The next day after church my anxiety was a bit out of control.  I couldn't focus on anything, Jimmy (foster baby) wasn't sleeping, I had lost a baby 5 days before and 15 people were showing up in a few hours for food.  My mom gave something to help with my nerves but since I hadn't ever taken that before I didn't know how much to take.  Well half way through dinner my head fell backwards to rest on the top of my chair and I fell asleep!  ASLEEP folks!!  When I woke up startled, the whole family was laughing at me!  I guess that would have been funny to see :)  So I was excused to go upstairs for a nap and woke up renewed and ready for a better evening! 

I feel as though God gave us Jimmy to help my heart heal.  He needed a temporary mommy as much as my heart needed a baby!  Sure he wasn't the baby that I had carried and lost but he was a baby that someone else had carried and loss.  He was just as precious as all the others that I had given back to Jesus.  I was getting him for a short time just like Jesus had given me my babies for a short time.  

Jimmy kept me busy and gave me a glimpse into the world of being a mommy of three little kids under 4.  God taught me to let go of things I just couldn't do with three little kids.  My job was to stay home and love on a baby that needed me.  He taught my kids how share their time with me and that we can't play legos until Jimmy is napping cause he likes to eat them! :)

November 2011

In November of 2011 we were EXTREMELY shocked to find out I was pregnant!  Not planned at all but very very excited!!  We of course weren't on the correct meds to sustain a pregnancy for me so I didn't sleep the night we found out.  I couldn't wait to call the doctor in the am to find out what I need to do and do fast!  They started me on progesterone immediately to help me hold on to that tiny tiny baby of ours. (When we find out I'm pregnant I have to go get my blood drawn every two days to see if my numbers are going up or not)  It was to no avail. I was working at the Peoria Farm Show when my doctor called me to tell my numbers were dropping.  They said expect to miscarry within the next few days.

So I'm standing in the Peoria Civic Center with close to 500 men surrounding me so I start to cry.  These men aren't just men.  They are farmers with what I believe have hearts of gold.  The men that are working with me just stare at me not knowing what to say or do.  Do they leave the current customers they are talking with or stay looking at me awkwardly every few seconds?! Men I don't know are walking by me looking so concerned for me. (LOVE ME SOME FARMERS!!)  (Some of the men that work for us are AC and very close to our family.  They know my story of miscarrying  because they worked daily with me while I lost 3 babies earlier in my journey.)  I think more time passed by then I thought while I stood there in shock with tears streaming down my face.  My dad being the most completely understanding man I know just stood there with tears in his eyes with his arm around me.  We were leaning on a field cultivator if I remember right.

I then "woke" up and decided maybe I should excuse myself to the restroom.  I went into the bathroom and had a hard and ugly cry in the stall.  (great thing about the farm show is that there aren't too many women and so I'm usually the only one in the bathroom)  I went to restroom and there lay my sweet tiny baby on my toilet paper.  Breathless I picked up my baby (I decided with the first miscarriages that I would try and hold my babies at least once if I could) and told him/her that if love would have saved him he would have lived forever.  I quoted the bible as I put him in the toilet, "The Lord giveth and taketh away, Blessed be the name of the Lord"!  I walked out of the restroom and had to put on a happy face and finish my day.

Willy couldn't be more wonderful during all of this!  He just held me when I got home and took care of the kids so I could go to bed at 6pm.