It's been awhile since an update and in reality not much has changed. We are still waiting on the state to decide if we are decent people to parent an unwanted baby. So we wait....
So many things have happened in this last month. Many I still can't wrap my mind around so I continue to not approach the subject.
First - "Why are you adopting? You are a one income family and can't afford it?" "Your family will just give you the money cause they are generous!" Well, you're correct about all of those things, we are a one income family, we can't afford it and our family is very generous. The wonderful thing about all of these mean comments and questions. I'm learning not to care. That sounds mean and not the way I was raised to respond to people but as an adult I have to know that my husband and I have prayed and asked God about everything. God knows I don't work full time and he knows we don't have $30k in our savings account. He still lead us here. He gave us seven babies and took them back to bring us to this point. He will get us through this. The money will come from somewhere. There are banks with interest free loans for adoption. :)
Second - I went to Hearts At Home in Normal and Jill Savage spoke in the morning session. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in November of last year. She spoke about how she believes all of us have "cancer" in our lives. Whether that be mental illness, infertility, divorce etc. I thought that was so amazing she said that! I couldn't agree more. Yes I agree cancer is horrible horrible horrible and devastating! What about the above examples aren't? Mental illness- you suffer alone, take meds, hide from friends and family and much more. Infertility- you suffer alone, take countless meds and hormones, watch your friends get pregnant and hide from friends and family. Divorce- you suffer alone, take depression meds, hide from embarrassment from friends and family.
What I learned with her talk was grief comes in waves with cancer just like in infertility. One day I'm doing great! Then I see three pregnancies announcements on Facebook and I'm sad for awhile. You don't have to love your challanges but you can love what God is doing inside of you. How is God using my infertility for his purposes?
Third - I'm still struggling profoundly with infertility. I know I'm coming back to this again but this blog has given me such release I must write about it again. One of my favorite radio pastors spoke to me through one of his sermons a few weeks ago. He said, "You must be hurt deeply to be used profoundly!" I've been hurt very deeply by infertility. Not because I have lost 7 babies. I've been hurt by the comments, rude remarks, glances, weight gain due to medicines and hormones, shots and the lists continues. I suffered from an eating disorder for seven years before I was married. I do understand that I don't have the body that disease gave me. There are days that I wake up and I crave the emptiness feeling in my stomach I used to have long ago. I can't go back to where I have the body I had before the hormones, medicines and shots. That body wasn't healthy and when I get close to it it scares me. So I hope through all of this I can be used somewhere and through something.
This is God's story for the world and we're just playing the parts. Only God can turn a Mess into a Message, a Trial into a Triumph, a Test into a Testimony and a Victim into a Victory!
