Healing

It's been 2 months since we joined the club of "failed adoptions". I don't like this club and neither do the other members who are in it. Its very lonely and the questions you get from others are very strange. God continues to use this time for me to learn how to respond to insensitive people and how to talk to people about adoption. The beginning of March I realized I need a break from people. I shut myself off socially. I stopped inviting other moms over for play dates, I don't leave my house much and I quit trying to communicate with people unless they made the effort. I have really missed being with people but I felt like I was pushing my life onto everyone. Honestly, only one person asked why they didn't seem to hear much from me anymore.  I needed this time to refocus and remember why God had started us on this journey.

With our 7 miscarriages I knew that when God had taken the babies they would always be safe. They would never know hunger, thirst or want. Most importantly they had never felt unloved in this world. These all mean so much to me! To know that the first thing my 7 babies saw was Jesus' face does more for my healing than anything ever could! I think that's why I struggle with our failed adoption in February. Although I know she is with good parents I can't guarantee I will see her again in heaven. I can't guarantee her belly is full and she is constantly being loved on. I can only guarantee these things if she is with me or Jesus. Her wonderful mommy has sent me several pictures of her and she is as precious and I knew she would be! Tiny and delicate features just like her mommy. I wish I could show her to the world as mine but God said "not this time Holly."  I've been told by others that I'm so strong for being able go through this and still want to adopt. I don't feel strong. The dull ache in my chest is less and less each day though. I have guilt. I feel like this is somewhat my fault. I started this. I brought pain to Willy, my kids and myself. I was the one who suggested we adopt again. Then there was anger. I was so mad at myself for being sad. How could I sit there and cry when I have so much to be thankful for? Luckily, my dads wise words came to mind from after miscarriages to remind me I can mourn the loss regardless of how blessed I am to have healthy children.

In regards to moving on with our lives we certainly have. We were contacted about a toddler that possibly needed to be adopted and after 4 weeks of uncertainty we think that door is officially closed. We were contacted about a one day old baby born in Florida that needed adopted and after showing our profile the birth mom choose the other family. We presented to a birth mom in March and just heard today and she has decided to parent her baby. We have presented to several other birth parents but have not been chosen. God is definitely working with me on patience. I'm constantly reminded by others that I have a very very busy little boy who can't be alone for even a minute without getting into some sort of mischief. Well that is so true, we love our Bentley boy even though he is non stop.

On to happier things...

There has been an adoption in our family in the past few months but not with Will and I's family... My parents had a guy from Gridley church move into their house in November of last year and since then he has become one of us! His name is Gary and he is a bundle of joy! He is 25 years old and adjusting to the family quite nicely. He came potty trained which is a relief for my parents. He refuses to be swaddled at night but we are all learning what he likes. He loves all of our kids which is so fun! An overall great addition to the family and finally gives my dad another man in the home to talk to! My dad has passed down this desire for me to change peoples names if I think they have one that doesn't fit them correctly. So naturally the name Gary seems a bit old for my taste on such a young guy so I refer to him as Nick. He has adapted well to the name and didn't seem to notice once he realized I was the "special" sister!
                                            This is my new brother Nick Schifferer-Stoller.

Trace is 7 and so happy to be almost done with 1st grade! He says he doesn't like school but his teacher says otherwise and does very well. He adores his little brother Bentley and playing outside with his friends. He is in Lacrosse and Baseball this spring and summer which keeps us very busy and on the move. If he isn't active he seems to get restless and in trouble so Lacrosse at the moment is keeping him in check. He has a deep love for his mommy but can't seem to get enough of dad lately. They have a great relationship and if he goes more than a couple days without seeing him because of work he gets a serious attitude and needs some time with him. I was warned that mommas boys tend to cling to their daddies about this age and then will come back to me about 14 or 15 so I guess I'll let it slide.

PresleyBeth is 5 and one silly little lady. She is not excited about starting Kindergarten this fall whatsoever! She is in tumbling one night a week which was too big of a commitment for her until lately when she got her costume for the recital and thinks its the best thing in the world! Pres loves her brothers but really wants a sister. She is learning she may not ever get that wish so has been praying for a baby lately instead of just a baby sister. She is so girly I'm not quite sure what to do with her sometimes! I have no idea what I'm doing with her. Ive questioned many times that maybe Audrey (Candice's daughter) and Presley were switched in the hospital. (BTW... Candice and I had our girls on the same day and got to experience our daughters together for the first time in the hospital) Then Presley came out of preschool Wednesday and totally redeemed herself as my biological daughter! There she was with a sticker on her forehead! My kind of thing! She went to her preschool screening like this and yes she got the special looks I get when I do things like this.    

                                      Be different. It makes people wonder who ties your shoes!

Bentley will be 2 next month! Seems so crazy and yet I feel like it's right on track. A lot has happened in his little life. We are still in great relationship with his birth parents and email them quite often. He looks a lot like one of his older brothers which is so fun to see! Bentley is very busy and always looking for the next thing to destroy or get into. He loves loves loves music of any type. He could sit on my phone all day and listen to music. Its a true joy to watch him love something so much! He is incredibly smart and so fun to watch him discover new things. He talks non stop and says my name at least 2789 times a day. No joke. He loves his grandmas and grandpas very much and so excited when we drive down their street. We don't know what we would do without him! He is a very sweet boy who loves his sister and brother very much! This is a Bentley shenanigan... I ran upstairs to switch a load of laundry and left him listening to music on the iPad. He gets a chair, climbs up on the kitchen counter, gets in the candy cupboard and starts yelling, "CANDY PLEASE?!" at the top of his lungs! At least he's polite right?!?! 

Thank you to everyone who has kept us in your prayers! We are feeling them and they are helping so much! We still continue to feel God isn't done with our family so we press on towards another adoption or whatever else he has in store. Please pray for contentment until he calls us to another situation where we know he wants us. We love you all so much!!

Growing more/Failed adoption

After Bentley turned one in May of 2015 I started to get the baby itch. Ya know the one where you see another baby and your arms ache to hold it, where your uterus literally does a flip at the sight and you hear it say "18 years to life!!". That's what I had! I started praying about talking to Willy about another adoption. So a few hours passed and I approached the subject lightly with him. I got the good ole' response of "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!" Ahem... So..... Back to praying it is!  Don't you love it when you can almost hear God laughing from Heaven?!?!  I would lightly bring it up over the course of the summer just to get the thoughts rolling in his head and to remind him that God may be talking to him and working on his heart! We had both talked and prayed about having 4 kids soon after Bentley was  born (I guess it was easier on him to talk about it then since he knew we had a newborn and I wouldn't ask for at least a year) so I know it couldn't be too much of a surprise to him. September was when Willy said "Hey I may be ready to start on the process of another adoption!" WHAT?!?! He was my brakes, he was supposed to stop me from having so many kids! What was he thinking??? That's when I couldn't believe it and I think I had to take a couples weeks to actually process having 4 kids again. Then God knocked on my heart and said "Hey remember me? The one who created you to want to love anyone who needs a mommy?!" God had done what I had prayed for, wanted and desired. He had given my husband the words, desires and want for another child. Will and I had felt that our family wasn't complete yet and knew that feeling was from God. God knew what was coming up and wanted us to get moving on it.

The end of September is when I called Family Core to update or home study with our Bentley boy in it. October started with visits, physicals and paperwork galore to make sure we and our home were ready for another undertaking of a child. In November we got a call that a local birth mom wanted to view our family profile for the possibility of adoption. WHAT?!?! Bentley is still eating out of the toilet?! How could I care for a newborn with a toilet paper eater on my hands?!?!
Since our home study wasn't even done I hadn't worked on our profile book at all! I had one week to get it together. So I got on Shutterfly and made a book basically word for word from the one we had made for Bentley but added him in there as well (I guess they want to know about ALL of your kids (insert rolling eyes emoji). I had it printed, overnighted and our case worker had it!  Ahhh sigh of relief, it's in God's hands now. A week or so later we heard she had chosen a couple who didn't have kids yet. We had great peace knowing this was God and he wanted us to be willing and able to do what was necessary to get moving. One month later we heard the mom had given birth and decided to parent the baby. I was crushed for the other couple but knew this was God holding us back from the pain that would have come with it. He is so good to us!

New year rolls around with the emotional memories of our sweet little "N" that had come to live with us just one year prior. We signed up with Christian Adoption Consultants again to help us with getting into several agencies and being presented more often than we would if going at the journey alone. We were told to expect the wait to be longer this time since we already have three kids. Not a problem... Bentley isn't 2 yet but we wanted to get the ball rolling. Right away we started to receive situations to look at. One stood out to us right away. The birth mother was due on February 5th. We told the agency we would like to present to the mom. One week later we still hadn't heard from the agency and we were getting other situations but you can not present to more than one birth mom at a time. I emailed the agency to ask if they had heard if she choose. They emailed me back she hadn't decided but she may not decide until she gives birth and we should present to other situations if we can.

The same week we got a situation from a lawyer that seemed perfect for us. The birth parents were around Will and I's age and we had a lot of similarities. We then got another situation from an agency that would have been a good fit as well but both of the moms were going to be shown profiles the same day so we had to choose which birth mom we would like to be shown to. We had 12 hours to decide and we felt a peace about both of them! How do we know which one God wants us to present to?!?! It was so hard to know. We ultimately decided to go with the birth mom who was due first since she would have to decide faster and if we didn't get chosen by her maybe we could sneak our book into the other moms pile of profiles to look at! Long story short we ended up being chosen by birth mom #1!! Wow, so surreal to be MATCHED AGAIN and so soon! God is so good to us!  We talked to the birth mom on the phone that night and she was so sweet and polite! She told us she had been to the doctor and she was 5cm and felt like she would be delivering that weekend! She told us she would like us to be come down to Florida right away in case she went in to labor. Will and I flew down to Florida Friday morning February 5th so we would be there. We told the birth parents we would like to meet them before the delivery room and just make a connection. We had lunch together Saturday afternoon and spent a lot of time laughing and comparing all of our similarities! We felt a real peace about them and they knew we would love their baby like our own! The birth mom was having a lot of pressure and pain so she asked if we would go to the ER with her? OF COURSE WE WILL! We were sent right up to labor and delivery when we got there and they would only allow one person in the room while they monitored and checked her. She choose me to go in with her. I felt so special she would choose me for that when she could have easily and understandably choose her boyfriend of many years. The nurses hooked her up to the monitor and as soon as I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time I burst into tears! I couldn't help it. I didn't know my baby existed 5 days ago and all of a sudden there was her heart beating as fast as can be! Such a precious sound to a mom regardless if you had to fight to create a family or not. We ended up leaving the hospital that night with no progress but a promise to keep in touch until Monday morning when she was going to call her doctor. Sunday came and went and Monday morning I checked in with her to see how she was feeling and to see if she had called her doctor. She was waiting for a call back from them so we went to meet with our lawyer and sign an abundance of papers. Will had to fly back for work so he left Monday evening and I stayed to see if I could get into the doctor with her the next day. The doctor ended up calling back Tuesday afternoon with an appointment for the next Tuesday the 16th. I talked to our lawyer and he said to go home see my kids and plan on coming back for the doctor appointment the next week. The birth mom totally understood that and was excited to go to the doctor with me the following week. I flew home Wednesday morning and started planning the next few weeks of me being gone. The birthmom and I kept texting while I was home and she had said that it was okay that I buy gifts for her and the birth father. Thursday evening I booked my return flight Monday afternoon and we talked about going to dinner that evening when I got in. Friday I got busy with my household duties from the week before and forgot to text her until 9:30 that evening, making it 10:30pm Florida time. She didn't text me back but I figured it was late and she may be sleeping. Saturday I texted her again to see how she was feeling and I didn't get a response. Sunday morning I decided I should call her to see if everything was ok. She didn't answer so I left a voicemail. I had a bad headache so I decided to not go to church. A couple hours passed and things weren't adding up. I decided I would email the lawyer to see if he had heard from her. I told him I was sorry I was emailing him on a Sunday but I couldn't get ahold of our birth mom and I felt like something wasn't right. He called me 10 minutes later telling me he had just received an email from her telling him her phone was broke and she hadn't been able to get ahold of me. She had delivered the baby Saturday morning the 14th and she decided to parent. She was very sorry but she wasn't strong enough to go through with the adoption. She assured him it had nothing to do with Will or I, but she just couldn't do it.

I feel like my heart stopped when he told me. We had such a great peace about this. We felt God was in the details. We had spent money from our adoption savings in flights, food, car rental and child care. In the end God said no. He still gave us that peace. He was still in the details. He knew what we would spend finacially on this test. 

 

The kids were disappointed but fortunately can brush things like this off fairly easily since they have dealt with foster siblings in the past. Presley has still asked in the past few months when we are going to take Bentley back to Pennsylvania to be with his mommy! I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed trying to wrap my mind around it all. I turned on my music and searched through my adoption/infertility notes to soak in all God has taught me through and some things popped out to me.

-God doesn't call us to be "comfortable" he calls us to radically chase after Him in this world.

-"For I know the plans I have for YOU" (Jeremiah 29:11)

- In the middle of my little mess, I forgot how big I'm blessed.

- A God ordained dream will always be beyond your ability and beyond your resources. 

- When the bottom falls out, lock your gaze on the cross. You'll find all the answers to all your questions at the cross.

We've known from the very beginning that God knows our child. We've never wavered on that. I just needed to release the timing that I originally expected so that I could see that every piece of this story has been woven by God. Every piece. Even the pieces that confused me. He is a good, good father, and I have no doubt that we will continue to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13)

Monday morning (Feb 15th) came and I sent an email to our consultant and the lawyer we were working with for the adoption. I told them we were very sad about the failed adoption but we were ready to see other situations if they had any available for us. They both stated, that they were very surprised we were ready so soon! That made me stop and think "was I different than most?" "were we able to see this different that other failed adoption couples?" The answer I've heard from others is YES! I tried to explain to our lawyer how we were able to keep moving. Will and I are heartbroken over this but we feel like we were just called to love the baby and her parents for awhile. She's with the people she's supposed to be with. It's hard and messy but nothing we can't deal with. None of us have cancer or are sick. I personally hold everything in my life except my husband and children with a loose grip. After loosing 7 babies I know that nothing is a guarantee in this life. We are healing and ready to see how God can use us next in his journey for us. Thank you for your prayers, we are feeling them!

Fostering

On December 31st, 2014 I was shopping with two of my sister in laws in Peoria and received a phone call that changed our lives forever! A sweet little girl that we knew needed respite care (temporary foster care) for one week. I told them she was welcome at our house so we went to pick her up at the foster agency an hour later. She was 2 1/2 years old and very scared. She luckily knew me so she happily came home with me! Well that week quickly came and went. She fit into our routine pretty quickly since she was a good age between Presley and Bentley. We had to do some car seat adjusting and buy a new one but overall things weren't too bad. She had a giggle that could make anyone melt! She was the youngest of four kids in her family so that was probably the hardest transition for her. She came from another foster home where she was the only little kid in the home so when she wanted or needed something she didn't need to wait long. Well here you just need to get in line when mommy has a 7 month old. So her demanding personally quickly got worse before it got better because she was no longer the queen of the home. I'm sure most of you moms out there can handle things like this better than me but when she came she wasn't potty trained. I couldn't handle her potty diapers. They literally made me ill. So we did the whole potty training and she did awesome and only had a few accidents, well ones she didn't mean to. When she was upset at us for something or didn't want to wear what I had out for her she would simply pee in the outfit. Starring into her deep brown eyes that exhibited no remorse at all was really hard. Especially when you are already deep in mommy guilt for not spending enough time with your other children. You really start to question why God would put this on your plate right now? And I started to wonder "Am I really cut out for this?!" Perhaps my heart is big, but my hands are way too small. Well after much soul searching, listening to ministers in church and pastors on the radio I found out many things I needed to hear at that time.

*God didn't tell us it was going to be easy!
*This is not how God wanted it to be, we live in a fallen world and this is the consequence of sin!!
*He is still good.
*He wants us to go through the fire and affliction so we look good when we wear him.
*You love as well as you are willing to be inconvenienced.
*It is not you against this child. It is you and this child against this child's history. It is not a personal attach on you.

The last one I literally had to quote to myself daily!! "N" was extremely intelligent and bright for her age. She said EVERYTHING that came across her little mind and spoke extremely well for her age. We learned a lot those few weeks ;). She had so much baggage that she came with. Things she would talk about that I can't imagine going through as an adult let alone a very little girl. Scars I can't imagine being on any child and yet this little girl I held everyday has them all over her tiny body. She was so sweet and kind when she wanted to be. When she didn't want to be she lied, smarted off, peed her pants plus countless other things.  It was hard to tell if she was just being two or if she was suffering in a way she couldn't put into words. That's where we struggled the most. When my kids are hurt, lonely, tired or hungry I know how to fix them. When she was any of those she needed fed, snuggled and held for however long it took to meet her needs. She had her daddy Willy wrapped around her finger but he was very stern with her when she needed it. Which is probably why she loved him so much. Very consistent love is what she could always find with him. Someone to snuggle her immediately after time out where mommy Holly needed a few more minutes to calm down sometimes.

If you never had the privilege to meet our sweet little lady then let me tell you a few things about her physically. She weighed a couple more pounds than our 4 year old Presley but a couple inches shorter and 1 1/2 years younger. She had super soft rich brown skin and curly kinky hair. When she came I had no idea what to do with her hair! I had never experienced African American hair before but it's amazing!! Once I learned how to do it (after 100's of YouTube videos) I couldn't wait to style it every week! She sat so well during the hours it took to do it. At least once a week she would put my arm up next to hers and say "I am chocolate and you are vanilla!" Seriously she was 2 1/2! I checked her birthday many times while we had her. She had to grow up way to quick.

In the beginning of March she started a somewhat new phase of getting jealous of the attention Bentley got from me and would start to hurt him. He would be standing and cruising around furniture and she would come up to him and push his forehead back so he would fall and land flat on his back. She would smash him between our storm door and the big front door. I would watch her do these things plus many other things and still she would come out of time out claiming she had no idea what I was talking about. Those were the days I would pray outside her bedroom door on the floor asking for grace for yet another day with her.      *It is not you against this child. It is you and this child against this child's history. It is not a personal attach on you. Please don't get me wrong... We loved her so very very much! She brought so much joy to our lives!!  She and Presley played so well somedays I wouldn't see them for hours. Then of course like little kids do they would fight and need some time apart.

In the beginning of April she became much rougher and harder on Bentley. I couldn't even walk into another room if they were together alone. We started praying about what needed to be done. Ultimately it came down to her having to move to another home for Bentley's safety. I knew I couldn't make that kind of decision so I had to put the weight of that decision on Will. I asked God to give Willy the wisdom to know what was right for our family. He gave Will a peace about his decision that can only come from God. We didn't want her to leave but we believed that we had to protect the children God had given us first. Trace didn't want this. Presley didn't want this. Will and I didn't want this but we knew it had to be done. She was going to a good home. Her aunt and uncle had come out of the woodwork and wanted her. They had two older children which would be great for her so she could get the attention and healing she needed. When I showed her the picture of her aunt, uncle and cousins the week before she left she said "Hey they are brown like me!!" I was so happy for her to be able to go into a family that finally looked like her (she needed that more than I realized). The day she left Trace and Presley were finally ok with it but Will and I still cried in the driveway as she rode away. It was so hard for Will to have to make that decision for our family. To watch us all suffer the following weeks took a toll on him for sure. He knew I would never make the decision though, I have a desire that was built in me to be a mother to anyone or anything that needs one. It's a blessing and a curse for sure. We have not been able to see her since she left at the end of April but we hear she is thriving in her new home. The kids see other little brown girls out and about and will say, "Mom, that looks like "N"!" They always ask when we can see her again and I have no idea if we ever will. We love and miss her so much though!

Our Bentley forever!

On November 17th 2014 Bentley became a Kellenberger forever!! Less than 11 months after we started our adoption journey the courts declared him ours. Bentley Stoller Kellenberger. I still sit back in awe of how God orchastrated the whole thing! Down to every little detail He was there in the midst. While this wasn't the cheapest journey we have taken we wouldn't change it for the world!!

Update

Sorry for the long pause on the blog.  Our life has changed quite a bit since we added a third child into the mix. It's been an amazingly positive change though and we wouldn't change it for the world!!

I would like to add a couple things in about the birth mom and her family.  Her boyfriend and her have three older boys that are parenting together. They are 8, 5 and 3.  They are so sweet and adorable.  They named their little brother Cameron while their mom was still pregnant with him. Once they found out what we were naming him they called him "baby Cameron Bentley".  I love how much they loved him even though they never got the privilege to meet him.  The birth mom didn't want them to come up to the hospital in fear they would make her sway from her decision.  We knew it was a God thing she had picked us but then we found out some similarities that made it even more apparent God was in control.  First off when the birth mom and dad were naming their youngest son 3 years ago they couldn't decide between Bentley or Drayton!!  They choose Drayton and were thrilled we choose Bentley!  Second, her sisters name was Candy and my sister as you may know is Candice. Third, when I miscarried my last baby in August is the exact same time when Ashley was conceiving our dearest Bentley.  It's so crazy cool how God works!! I love how he has his hands in this adoption.

When A signed the consent papers she did everything correct.  Two weeks after papers were signed ICPC came back and said they wanted a more detailed consent to be signed by the birth mom.  Our lawyer was very against dragging her back through the mud by making her sign again but they had to.  A had took some time off to go stay with some family because she said she was in a very hard spot emotionally. Well they were never able to get ahold of her so we had to find "guardians" for Bentley. This was in case Will and I decided to back out of the adoption someone would be held responsible for him besides her lawyer.  It couldn't be family so we turned to someone who would love him as much as we did. (Even though we knew we would never back out of the adoption) Brian and Alison Sutter are Bentley's guardians until the adoption is finalized. They exception without hesitation just as we knew they would.  They had to get papers notarized and talk to my lawyer several times on the phone but never once acted like it was a big deal.  What can I say? They are some really great friends! Although I think Alison is trying to sabotage the adoption so she gets my delicious baby! ;)

A told me when we were in the hospital that her dad had given her money months ago to get an abortion.  She kept saying how lucky she was that she found us and she hadn't gotten one.  As I stare at Bentley while I'm up with him in the middle of the night I can't help to think how we are the lucky ones. We are the blessed parents who get to give him the life God created for him.  I'm so thankful she didn't choose to abort my precious precious baby.  We are forever grateful to the most selfless woman we will ever know.  Bentley's birth mom is on my mind almost daily and will forever be in our prayers.

Thank you for all our love and support through all of this!!

Our sweet Bentley

I was able to stay in the hospital in my own room with Bentley during the day. A had him with her at night and I had him for most of the days. Will, A and I have a great relationship! We laughed and cried together. The last 4 days were the hardest days of our life. In Pennsylvania you wait for 30 days before the birth mother signs the consent. In Illinois you wait 72 hours. Praising Jesus the Penn lawyer decided to go with the Illinois laws instead of Pennsylvania's!! A signed the consent for us to leave the hospital with Bentley. We still had to wait for her to sign papers for consent for adoption until Friday. We were peaceful she would follow through since she kept telling us how lucky she was to have found us. There was still that restlessness. This morning I received the next phone call I had been longing for since January. The birth father and birth mom both signed their consent for us to adopt Bentley.

I called Willy to let him know he officially had another son. It's been hard on him to not be able to be here. He screamed "WOOHOO!!" in the phone! My mom and I praised God then we did a happy dance! Well I did my happy dance on one foot. :)

My two biological babies were not full term and weighed 6lbs 11oz and 7lbs 1oz. So Bentley weighing 8lbs 4oz through me for a loop! He doesn't fit into hardly anything I brought for him! He's a big boy and LOVES to eat! This forced my mom and I to shop for him for things to wear this summer. :)

Update

Will and I had a great weekend together!!  My mom flew in on Sunday afternoon to join us since Willy was going back to Illinois on Tuesday. 

A was induced on Monday morning around 7:30 so Will and I met her in the lobby of the hospital before and we went up with her to get her signed in. Everything went real smooth except she didn't progress as fast as she thought she might. They only would allow 2 people in the room with her so Will graciously sat in the waiting room all day.  She had brought her sister for support.   At 1pm she got her epidural so Will, her sister and I went down to get some lunch. When we got back to the room she was anxious for the delivery but still wasn't progressing very fast.  The Dr came in to break her water and a couple hours after that she was ready!! She starting pushing around 6pm and at 6:08 he was here!! She did marvelous!  Beautiful little boy with long curly hair. He is so precious, I can't wait to show you all pictures!!  A and the birth father sign papers Friday morning so once I know he is officially ours I will post pictures for you all to see. Until then I'm just enjoying him all to myself waiting for Friday to finally get here!!